I miss B. Trying to figure out what I miss. I think its some of our interactions. We connected in a certain way, had a way of thinking of each other that I think is slightly less usual and I miss that. Its what I didn’t want to lose in all of this. I think I’ve been away from the stress and negative interactions now long enough to think about the things I like about B. The things I miss are probably not things to keep people together and thats the unfortunate part. And I have no right to ask for the pieces I miss either. Now – that would be selfish. I don’t think we can be together in a traditional relationship, though, I still have hopes for some kind of connection. I don’t know what that would look like someday if people are open to it. I question the limit to which I can share. Noones fault but I gave up a lot to be in this type of poly situation. I wonder what I would have chosen had I not followed B’s dreams. Certainly things would have been different because I would have avoided those things that hurt and were difficult to get through. But on the other hand, going through all the situations I’ve been through with B allowed me to grow too and learn some things about myself that I probably wouldn’t have figured out otherwise. Either way, if I have my choice I don’t think I would pick a poly situation. Open on some level I definitely think is there, I like having options and having fun and monogamy has its limitations. But there isn’t much room for me to share. It isn’t in me, I’ve known that for awhile. Its the reason I haven’t been able to get close to bridget, she was close to Brandon. And the reason my relationship with jessie wouldn’t have gone where it has if he had continued to date bridget as well. I use to think this was an obstacle in myself I needed to overcome. I wasn’t good enough if I could share more and expand myself and open up my heart to everyone. Though I do think I can still work on this, I don’t think it has to come in this form, a form that feels so unnatural for me to do. I wish I could, thats the thing. I’ve wanted it. I wanted to be carefree and open and loving to everyone but there is a limit I have been unable to cross. A line around me that only lets certain people past. I’ve kind of always wondered about this. My friendships in the past were always very strong with one person at a time. I would get wrapped up in one friend and give them everythign I had. Other friends were not needed. In a situation with 2 friends, me being a third, didn’t work for me. Doesn’t work for so many actually. Don’t know what all that means, I’m just reflecting. And I miss B. Wish I understood what I miss. Interactions, but what? I don’t miss sexual activities, I don’t miss submitting. I miss hikes, we didn’t go on one this fall. I miss bottoming, though I feel there is so much we never tried, and I miss our conversations. They didn’t happen too often, but randomly we would just sit and talk and talk. I miss knowing what his thoughts are. I miss sharing with him exciting things that happen to me. Or even just the joke I heard today. I spent 10 years telling him everything, as little and meaningless as you can get, to really big and important things. I guess this is something I have to get use to, my life has changed. I don’t think I’m ready to get these things from someone else, that would be forgetting the last 10 years, its not that easy to just move forward. Though somedays I feel it is, maybe its just because I want to move forward that I don’t stop to think about it.
