well things are sure sucky. It is really horrible to see B suffer. It just breaks my heart. I want to wrap him up and tell him it’ll be ok. What a different image to have of someone that always took care of me. And of course I can’t do that anyway. Here, I hurt you, let me hold you now.
I thought things were going well enough to be around each other and be pleasant, even if it hurt sometimes, it was nice to interact and not feel like it was just stressful and horrible to deal with. And then B for some reason read my emails. I don’t know what he was thinking, I don’t know why he did it. He is someone I always trusted. Maybe a small part of him felt good to hurt me back. He didn’t like what he read. I remember once looking up at his screen when he was chatting to an old gf – who he had just ended a relationship with and my eye caught a couple of random words on the screen. Things about sex and how they were going to play around that night. Here I was sitting right next to him and saw that and lost it. I told him right then, I saw these words, not even like reading a sentence, just a few words that stood out and I couldn’t believe what he was about to go do etc etc. And he told me thats what I get for reading his screen. Though I didn’t think it was a fair answer then, and I don’t now, there is some point to it. And it wasn’t just that he read my emails (and emailed to jessie from my email, and disabled my account), he treated me like a piece of shit aftwards. He called me more names than I ever want to repeat. This person that cares about me could think these things of me…even if just in a moment, even if just in a rage, whatever – he still thought these things of me and that is sooo hard to forget. I know we all don’t know what we are doing and none of us has ever faced something like this before and each of us have the things that are difficult to deal with in this – I admire him, respect him, love him, I know the person he can be and has been and I don’t forget those things. I don’t forget or disregard the relationship we have had, I don’t now think badly of him, or think he is anything horrible. I’ve been upset through this, I’ve been frustrated, sad, depressed, angry, bitchy, etc etc….Not once have I thought badly of him.
So getting his wrath through my text message inbox, I let it sit and sink in for awhile and tried to decide how to respond to his accusations, and the breaking of my privacy. And I remembered the promise I made to myself. That I was no longer going to allow anyone to make me feel bad about how I feel. I was no longer going to justify every little thing I want or need or feel or do. Its so damaging to me internally to constantly feel like I’m the bad guy, I’ve done people wrong, all my actions are so selfish and self centered, I don’t care about anyone else, etc etc etc. I am not able to handle everyone elses accusations and feelings and I am no longer going to defend myself to anyone. I am going to do what I think is right for my kids and for my mental/emotional health and besides – everything I was doing was viewed wrong anyway so fuck it…people can think what they want, I know I am a good person, I know I have a lot of love inside me, I know how much I hurt right now, I know I am trustworthy and honest and a decent fucking human being. And I made the decision that I was not going to defend myself any longer. So during this latest issue, I did just that. I asked him to please stop reading my private email, I didn’t offer any words to explain what he read to try to make it better, I didn’t defend what I wrote. He is responsible for his feelings, I’m not and I wasn’t going to own his breakdown. I had to do what was best for my sanity. It felt good. Instead of dealing with someone that felt like lashing out and throwing his hurt at me, I let it go…because I can’t fix it and its just damaging both of us. B is not like this, he does not have outbursts, he does not have insane moments like he has had lately. I understand completely that this is not him and I am not going to judge him for right now. He has to get through this and become who he is again. He will, I know that.
