gotta move forward

Haven’t written for nearly a week.  Been pretty hectic around here.  B came home as well.  I don’t know if I knew fully what to expect.  I did think he would be a little more enthusiastic than he is.  I thought expectations were fairly well laid out.  But it feels exactly like it did before he left.  I think he started to think about himself and be in a better place and that all went out the window as coming home approached.  He wrote about being seen as immature.  I don’t think so, I think he comes across as being hurt and lost.  And that is probably accurate.  Problem is, it doesn’t matter what I do, its going to be wrong.  I reach out, I don’t reach out, I walk on eggshells, I don’t walk on eggshells…everything is perceived as being against him and I don’t even know how to begin to try when it all is taken wrong anyway.  I can’t work with that.  All I can do is go about business as usual and hope he comes around.  He is in a bad place and I can’t fix that for him.  He has to fix himself or get help some place.  I’m worried about his attitude affecting the kids.  As a matter of fact, it is affecting them.  Hey, a temporary funk where you can’t hold your emotions in check makes sense…but to treat everyone around you like they just irritate you or you are upset with them is so hard for the kids to deal with.  They don’t understand, they think they did something wrong.  They don’t deserve to get treated that way and its so hard for me to watch it happen.  I tried to tell him he needs to watch himself, he needs to be happy around the kids and show them a good time and that he cares.  He tried for their party, I think he did a good job.

So I think the best thing for me to do is just take care of everyone like I usually do, keep coordinating with bridget like I have been for the last month and a half anyhow and just be pleasant with B while he gets through this.  I can’t do much more than that.  He won’t accept anything from me, and its too emotionally stressful for me to keep trying when he obviously just needs to get his head together.  There is nothing positive and no moving forward if he can’t do that and I just can’t do this anymore until he is in a better place.
I’ve said all I can say, I’ve told him where I stand and that the door is open.  I’m moving forward now.

spiritual like experience

I had an interesting experience last night.  My son has been participating in a danza group.  It is Aztec dance, it has religious tones to it as well.  I expose him to this because his biological father is Hispanic, last name Diaz is from a conquistador background which has Aztec heritage in there as well.  I don’t know much about this side of his blood and I wanted to offer him a look…and do it in a way that might hold his attention.  The dance is alot of fun and has a lot of great energy to it.  I didn’t realize sitting as a spectator that I could be affected by the energy the circle is creating each night, but I am.  I find I look forward to the feeling.  The openness shared among this group.  I feel like they can teach me something.  Family that is not in the circle can participate and are encouraged to participate in the opening and closing ritual.  Which is honoring each cardinal direction, as well as the sky, earth, and the alter they dance around.  So I’ve done this each time, and at the end you share a drink with the brothers and sisters of the group and are smudged.  During that time, people in the circle go around and either pray for something, share hopes and dreams and wishes for others.  Some people thank god, the creator or whatever they believe in.  It is very individualized, but it all falls under the belief there is something in the universe greater than us that gives us the strength or power to make things happen.  I can identify with that.  I think its a little beyond my sons comprehension right now, and thats ok…none of the other kids get it either lol…but at least they were raised with this thinking from the beginning.  I’ve never really communicated this kind of thing with the kids before.  Though a lot has come out with the addition of bridget’s Christianity.

Anyway – I noticed last night there was a lot of great energy rolling around the room.  So many people were smiling and happy last night.  It was very upbeat and I realized I needed to focus on that happiness.  I’ve been a wreck knowing B was coming home last night.  Just so much is unknown.  And I knew he would be there when I got home and I’ve tried so hard to just keep a smile on my face yesterday and know there are many things to be happy about.  So I tried to swallow up that happy energy last night.  I realized you can’t actually do that, you have to absorb it and feel it and give back, you can’t just bottle it all up and run away.  So I let myself feel what was going on around me as everyone danced.  It was a really large group last night and they picked a few interesting danza’s.  Then the closing happened.  I knew what I wanted to say to the group.  I wanted to remind everyone to stop and be happy.  To enjoy others around them.  There is so much going on in the world, not just in my little life…everyone needs to take time to smile.  I knew I wanted to send good wishes for the end of B’s ride home and that he arrive safely as well.  So I started with the easy part actually…hoping my children have a wonderful birthday this weekend, B arrives home safely, and then I started to talk about happiness and I choked up.  I think it was pretty obvious to everyone..I paused for a bit.  Actually, I started to choke up when I said I wanted to send good wishes to my husband coming home and then could barely even say the rest and all that came out was…I want everyone to remember to be happy with everything going on right now.  And I cried silently and everyone moved on.  I thought maybe noone noticed then lol.  But I found it really hard to speak at all after that.  I just wanted to run out of there with my son and go home.  But that wasn’t happening.  I started to walk away and my friend grabbed me and hugged me, so of course the flood started.  Then I held tight to my son and started to leave..but this teenage girl came up to me and took my hands and looked in my eyes and told me its ok to cry, to let go and she told me I’m beautiful and to let it out.  Oh my god.  Who wouldn’t cry at that.  Something was really powerful last night.  I don’t fully understand it.  I thanked her and nodded and cried and thanked her again.  My friend hugged me again and said he loved me.  I really appreciated having such kind people around me last night.  My son was utterly confused and I tried to play it off as just being emotional and he wasn’t buying it lol.  Usually that works pretty well..ohh mom is crying again..its just a woman thing..lets leave her alone.  But he didn’t agree to that last night and I hugged him and said I’m ok, it wasn’t necessarily a sad cry, just needed to happen.

I wish I had the words to describe what happened to me.  I don’t fully get it.  Why did I get so emotional.  Here I am thinking about happiness and trying to absorb that and feel that and I start crying.  And this little 17 year old that looks more like 13 is so wise and open.  Thats what really got me.  So much openness.  I am not a very open person.  And feeling all of that makes me want to run the other way, but I feel like I’m suppose to stay.  I’m suppose to be around this right now.  Thats what touched me the most I think.  That I wasn’t going to be weak and give in and run away.  But damn, I’m not even dancing!  I”m just sitting there, wtf?  Very very weird last night.  And I want to go back, again and again.  Wow, is spirituality actually getting to me?  Sometimes I think “I’ve had enough growing, thank you…”.  But I know I haven’t, I’ve only just begun..and noone stops.

my poly

I’ve wanted to write about living a polyamorous lifestyle for awhile now.  How did I get here?  It really isn’t that exciting.  My parents divorced when I was 2.  Since then my mother was married 3 other times, my father only once.  My mother always seemed to “need” a husband.  She didn’t know how to be on her own and didn’t want to.  She still is married to her 4th husband of 18 years now.  He is an alcoholic older man with a form of alcoholic induced dementia and she still stays with him.  Anyway – my mom is not an example of how a marriage should work.  So I look to my father.  He married his second wife when I was 6.  They are still together, that is fabulous.  As long as you set aside the fact that he actively cheated on her for a good part of their marriage.  Then there is me.  Had one boyfriend all through high school and although I had much more than my share of sexual experiences before the age of 14, I saved sex until I was “in love”.  My 14 year old self fell in love and decided it was time…I was in 9th grade.  Kept the same boyfriend through my whole high school career.  Married the guy one week after graduation.

Why did I get married?  Did I believe in the one and only?  Did I believe in “forever”? No.  I married out of convenience.  I wasn’t ready to end the relationship, the military doesn’t pay for someone that isn’t a spouse so there you have it, we got married.  He got married for the two reasons above, however.  That didn’t last, 6 months later I was ending the relationship.

During the end to that relationship, I met B.  I was 18 years old.  I had never experienced a man other than my husband.  I knew I wanted to.  I also knew there was something inside me that stirred when I thought of women and I wanted to know what that was about.  I tried to get my husband to open up to possibilities.  I’m sure I didn’t have the tools to be successful at this task, but he was also a close-minded country boy already so set in his ways at a young age.  It wasn’t going to work.  That isn’t why it ended…but its why it would have ended anyway.

I needed to explore!  That is how poly started for me.  B planted the seed in my head in our conversations about another way of living.  And it really struck me as the way to be.  I already saw how marriages operate…you either go through monogamous relationships one after the other..because you know they are not going to last forever, or you just stick with the one and lie to your partner to get what you want.  Why can’t you have whoever you want whenever your paths cross instead?  Why lie about it?  Can’t we all accept we are very sexual creatures capable of a lot of love?  That was the thinking that got me to where I was, along with wanting to explore and knowing this was a way to accomplish that without hurting people…and have a steady, solid, loving relationship at the same time.  It was great!  I was free to see different people after B and I moved in together, he saw people.  He would come home and share his adventures with me and I was happy for him.   I couldn’t really share my stories with him though, he wasn’t very receptive to knowing what I did with others sexually.  But thats ok, he didn’t hold me back either.

B had a vision of life with at least 2 slaves and him leading a household, he always wanted to be self sufficient and enjoy life.  I followed that dream with him.  I struggled through many different girls he dated.  I dated too, but always away from our home.  Nearly every girl B dated was in our home on some level.  Not necessarily involved with the kids and family life, but they were in my home and their presence was made.  B was sheltered from that for the most part.  Thats not the point of my post though.  I grew alot through all these people in our lives.  Each person brought a new set of situations to get through.  I learned a lot about myself.  I conformed, I changed, I resisted too.

Bridget moved in with us 2 years ago, but she’s been involved for 5 years now.  That is still amazing to me that its been so long already.  I held back a lot of her involvement for a long time.  I reserved certain things for our “family” and other things I thought were ok for her to be involved in.  Part of it is my resistance to let go of control, part of it was a protective block I put around my family and part if it was simply not knowing if she would fit long term and not wanting to open that door and have her just leave.

She moved in after our little one was born.  I was happy I could go back to work and leave him with someone I trusted so much.  It was convenient to have her live with us, it started that way for me.  I wasn’t ready for her to live here.  I could accept it and work with it but I still wasn’t sure it was the right thing.  But after 3 years…it is either going to work or its not so it was worth doing it to figure it out.  I found I have become dependent on bridget.  We started behaving like a regular married couple for awhile there.  It was certainly interesting.  I have a wife!  Who would have thought.  But we are not intimate, so its just an odd relationship in my opinion.

That being the current situation, the only thing that has allowed me to be ok with it, is how much I love her.  She is a sister to me mostly and I have enjoyed our relationship immensley.  But the poly household concept hasn’t been working for me as much.  There are a few reasons I have been able to figure out.  One is there are now so many people to constantly worry about and I think I have a capacity issue with that set up.  Another is I feel like I gave up parts of my relationship with B because he gave it to her.  I never viewed it as a negative thing, but I realize as I look back, that is one thing I would change for sure.  I didn’t feel like I fully had B in our relationship.  Its not “because” of bridget, it has actually happened all along the way in our poly world but more so with her because its the longest, most integrated relationship he has had outside of me.  When I look back, those are definitely two areas I would not want to repeat.  I want to know I fully have my partner.  I want a simple life and I’m not sure that can ever be accomlished in a poly household.  I’m not shutting that off, but its a realization I have come to.

But I’m not monogamous!  Of course not, because that would be too easy.  I know I don’t want one person forever.  And I’m open to other ways of being.  Its more about sharing space and my home and complete integration into my life that I am not sure is for me.  Being open, loving, and sexual with others is not outside of my reality.  I’m sure there are many ways this might play out.  I’d like that to include B and bridget in my life in some way, some connection to them.  I can’t imagine not having that.  I know bridget is completely open to that, I hope B could be happy that way as well.  I know he obviously needs more in his life but I hope I can be a piece of it at least.

home coming – the cage

My jessie went on a trip for 5 days.  We thought we would try not allowing her out of her cage for the whole trip, by far the longest she’s ever been locked up.  I was unsure how this would pan out, given she gets no sensation at all while in her cage and I wondered what that might do to her mentally.  When she got home, I had her write what her thoughts were during that time and this is what she wrote to me: