22 03 2009

I had security in my relationship with B.  My relationship with jessie doesn’t have that right now.  I am missing the comfort and security that my life had in it.  It didn’t have certainty, and it wasn’t always feeling complete, but it was safe and secure and I didn’t have to worry about it going anywhere.  I know B and I both felt that way.  Obviously those feelings doesn’t give you any gaurantee, but it feels good anyway.  I am lacking that right now.  Security is important to me.  I think its important to most.  So I’m thinking about my values and needs, probably update this but this is where I am, thinking on the spot:







18 12 2008

well things are sure sucky.  It is really horrible to see B suffer.  It just breaks my heart.  I want to wrap him up and tell him it’ll be ok.  What a different image to have of someone that always took care of me.  And of course I can’t do that anyway.  Here, I hurt you, let me hold you now.

I thought things were going well enough to be around each other and be pleasant, even if it hurt sometimes, it was nice to interact and not feel like it was just stressful and horrible to deal with.  And then B for some reason read my emails.  I don’t know what he was thinking, I don’t know why he did it.  He is someone I always trusted.  Maybe a small part of him felt good to hurt me back.  He didn’t like what he read.    I remember once looking up at his screen when he was chatting to an old gf – who he had just ended a relationship with and my eye caught a couple of random words on the screen.  Things about sex and how they were going to play around that night.  Here I was sitting right next to him and saw that and lost it.  I told him right then, I saw these words, not even like reading a sentence, just a few words that stood out and I couldn’t believe what he was about to go do etc etc.  And he told me thats what I get for reading his screen.  Though I didn’t think it was a fair answer then, and I don’t now, there is some point to it.  And it wasn’t just that he read my emails (and emailed to jessie from my email, and disabled my account), he treated me like a piece of shit aftwards.  He called me more names than I ever want to repeat.  This person that cares about me could think these things of me…even if just in a moment, even if just in a rage, whatever – he still thought these things of me and that is sooo hard to forget.  I know we all don’t know what we are doing and none of us has ever faced something like this before and each of us have the things that are difficult to deal with in this – I admire him, respect him, love him, I know the person he can be and has been and I don’t forget those things.  I don’t forget or disregard the relationship we have had, I don’t now think badly of him, or think he is anything horrible.  I’ve been upset through this, I’ve been frustrated, sad, depressed, angry, bitchy, etc etc….Not once have I thought badly of him.

So getting his wrath through my text message inbox, I let it sit and sink in for awhile and tried to decide how to respond to his accusations, and the breaking of my privacy.  And I remembered the promise I made to myself.  That I was no longer going to allow anyone to make me feel bad about how I feel.  I was no longer going to justify every little thing I want or need or feel or do.  Its so damaging to me internally to constantly feel like I’m the bad guy, I’ve done people wrong, all my actions are so selfish and self centered, I don’t care about anyone else, etc etc etc.  I am not able to handle everyone elses accusations and feelings and I am no longer going to defend myself to anyone.  I am going to do what I think is right for my kids and for my mental/emotional health and besides – everything I was doing was viewed wrong anyway so fuck it…people can think what they want, I know I am a good person, I know I have a lot of love inside me, I know how much I hurt right now, I know I am trustworthy and honest and a decent fucking human being.  And I made the decision that I was not going to defend myself any longer.  So during this latest issue, I did just that.  I asked him to please stop reading my private email, I didn’t offer any words to explain what he read to try to make it better, I didn’t defend what I wrote.  He is responsible for his feelings, I’m not and I wasn’t going to own his breakdown.  I had to do what was best for my sanity.  It felt good.  Instead of dealing with someone that felt like lashing out and throwing his hurt at me, I let it go…because I can’t fix it and its just damaging both of us.  B is not like this, he does not have outbursts, he does not have insane moments like he has had lately.  I understand completely that this is not him and I am not going to judge him for right now.  He has to get through this and become who he is again.  He will, I know that.

missing it and random thoughts

9 12 2008

I miss B.  Trying to figure out what I miss.  I think its some of our interactions.  We connected in a certain way, had a way of thinking of each other that I think is slightly less usual and I miss that.  Its what I didn’t want to lose in all of this.  I think I’ve been away from the stress and negative interactions now long enough to think about the things I like about B.  The things I miss are probably not things to keep people together and thats the unfortunate part.    And I have no right to ask for the pieces I miss either.  Now – that would be selfish.  I don’t think we can be together in a traditional relationship, though, I still have hopes for some kind of connection.  I don’t know what that would look like someday if people are open to it.  I question the limit to which I can share.  Noones fault but I gave up a lot to be in this type of poly situation.  I wonder what I would have chosen had I not followed B’s dreams.  Certainly things would have been different because I would have avoided those things that hurt and were difficult to get through.   But on the other hand, going through all the situations I’ve been through with B allowed me to grow too and learn some things about myself that I probably wouldn’t have figured out otherwise.  Either way, if I have my choice I don’t think I would pick a poly situation.  Open on some level I definitely think is there, I like having options and having fun and monogamy has its limitations.  But there isn’t much room for me to share.  It isn’t in me, I’ve known that for awhile.  Its the reason I haven’t been able to get close to bridget, she was close to Brandon.  And the reason my relationship with jessie wouldn’t have gone where it has if he had continued to date bridget as well.  I use to think this was an obstacle in myself I needed to overcome.  I wasn’t good enough if I could share more and expand myself and open up my heart to everyone.  Though I do think I can still work on this, I don’t think it has to come in this form, a form that feels so unnatural for me to do.  I wish I could, thats the thing.  I’ve wanted it.  I wanted to be carefree and open and loving to everyone but there is a limit I have been unable to cross.  A line around me that only lets certain people past.  I’ve kind of always wondered about this.  My friendships in the past were always very strong with one person at a time.  I would get wrapped up in one friend and give them everythign I had.  Other friends were not needed.  In a situation with 2 friends, me being a third, didn’t work for me.  Doesn’t work for so many actually.  Don’t know what all that means, I’m just reflecting.  And I miss B.  Wish I understood what I miss.  Interactions, but what?   I don’t miss sexual activities, I don’t miss submitting.  I miss hikes, we didn’t go on one this fall.  I miss bottoming, though I feel there is so much we never tried, and I miss our conversations.  They didn’t happen too often, but randomly we would just sit and talk and talk.  I miss knowing what his thoughts are.  I miss sharing with him exciting things that happen to me.  Or even just the joke I heard today.  I spent 10 years telling him everything, as little and meaningless as you can get, to really big and important things.  I guess this is something I have to get use to, my life has changed.  I don’t think I’m ready to get these things from someone else, that would be forgetting the last 10 years, its not that easy to just move forward.  Though somedays I feel it is, maybe its just because I want to move forward that I don’t stop to think about it.


5 12 2008

I took a hiatus from writing for a bit.  Haven’t really had complete thoughts enough to really feel like writing.  Now I have a few things on my mind I feel like I need to filter through and figure out.  Lots of things have probably happened since B got home and I’m not going to fill in the gaps.  Jumping to right now, we are trying to figure out how to schedule time with the kids and make sure everything there is fair and the kids are taken care of.  B is staying with a friend, on one hand I feel like thats a good choice, on the other it seems unnecessary.  He is leaving bridget at the house with me for now until he finds an apartment they can move into.  That part also somewhat makes sense and is somewhat sad at the same time.  None of this is really happy right now.  Some of it is good because we can actually start making decisions and moving forward.  Being stuck in a cycle or in limbo is not a good place to be in for too long, sometimes necessary…and sometimes just damaging.

So planning things through mostly in my head and in discussions with B and briget, until B finds a home to make for him and the kids he is using the house for his time with the kids.  He is also having a hard time being around me at all right now so we decided I would stay with jessie on those days.  On paper that looks good.  It’s basically a 50/50 arrangement.  Which I think is great for the kids to have all of their parents equally.  It occurred to me though, that means I have to be away from my living space 50% of the time.  That has its own issues, figured they were minor enough to work through and worth it so he could have quality time with the kids as well.  I’ve also spent many nights and days at jessies house and figured I’d be fine being there because I am comfortable at least, and I get some quality time with him that isn’t wrapped up with managing children.

Then came the first day to really do this.  Schedules got a little screwed up so I didn’t really get to plan as well as I would have liked, but no matter….I needed to pack anything I might want for the next couple of days since B was going to be at the house with the kids and it was my time without them.  I had work stuff to think about packing, down time stuff to do like reading something or a craft or whatever, my personal hygeine stuff, etc etc.  As the bags started to pile up I got really emotional.  It was a physical representation of leaving my children, it was a feeling that I am being made to leave my home, this wasn’t a choice to go spend time with jessie…this was what had to happen…there is a difference.  And then it hit me as well – I never REALLY discussed this with jessie.  My relationship with jessie was not yet at a level of occupying each others homes 50% of the time.  I wasn’t ready to make room for my things at his place.  I was so fucking out of sorts Wednesday night.  I cried all the way to his house.  When I got there he held me for awhile while I cried.  I had all these bags and we weren’t ready for this and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings about it but he had to know where I was with this.  This decision on the side of my family greatly affects my relationship with jessie..which I’m not an idiot and I knew that…but I just didn’t realize until I got here that we were not naturally ready for this step but it felt like I was being forced to do it anyway.  It felt wrong.  I wanted to go home.

jessie had been so wonderful about this.  He is trying to be supportive and understanding about how I feel.  He says he is open to ways to make this easier for me to be here.  He offered to make me a separate room in his house so I feel like that is mine and not half way moving in with him and mingling our things together, like I can still have my own separation.  I don’t know if thats the answer…maybe.  But then, this is temporary as well.  “Having” to come here for half a week is only until B gets a place to have the kids at.  So I don’t really want to put a lot of effort into changing things at jessies house for a temporary thing.  How temporary though is still up in the air.  I think B and bridget can afford to find a small place for now before he gets a job, but it does make things a bit stressful financially.  Plus, besides B looking for a job, so am I.  I at least have a current job, but not for long and I have no idea if I will find something before this one ends.

Anyway – I’m struggling here.  I had no idea I would feel this way, it just never occurred to me.  I also realize a lot of what I feel B has been going through since he packed his bags to head to his friends house.  Feeling displaced from your home is not a good feeling.  And I specifically – omg – I have such a strong emotional attachment to my home, having never had a place to call mine before.  I had no idea it would feel like I was being kicked out of my house.  Of course its not like I haven’t understood what B was going through, I completely got it before and get it still.  I’ve seriously contemplated asking them if they just want to keep the house and I’ll move instead.  Most of the decisions in that home were B’s.  Most of what we own I would consider his as well.  The bedroom I’m staying in was completely designed by him, his colors, all his stuff.  It’s not mine.  I can do things to make it mine over time, but right now things just feel weird.

And the other side of all of this is the status of my relationship with jessie.  I’ve never done this kind of thing before.  This kind of relationship.  Although there is a D/s component, and he is a sissy – other parts are just like a typical relationship.  You date, see each other often, include each other in other areas of your life, start leaving convenient things at each others house and somewhere down the line people move in together or get married or something and I’ve never progressed like that in a relationship and I very clearly have hesitations about that happening now.  First of all, I have a lot going on with myself and internal things I need to make better.  I need to make myself happy and secure before progressing with anyone.  Awhile back I started having a toothbrush and robe at jessies house.  That was tough because I realized ohhhh geez this is a normal thing to do lol.  And now with spending half my time here…and considering ways to make this easier by leaving things here ooooh boy.  This is a step I wasn’t ready for.  I am resisting it.  Yet I can’t just live out of a bag while I’m here.  This is a tough thing for me to figure out but at least today I am not as emotionally upset and can feel more practical and rational about the situation.  That is at least one step.

B can’t have what he wants, and I can’t have what I want, so here we are.  Nobody being happy.  There are so many small upsetting situations happening every day.  We are in some middle place that hasn’t worked itself out and won’t for awhile.  But the bigger picture tells me what I have to focus on right now is finding a stable job.  Without that, I can’t survive and take care of my kids.  So a lot of my energy lately has been looking for a job, talking with people, submitting soooo many resumes, I have to get this done.  That has to be a priority.  Then there is making sure my kids have loving attention and support through this and knowing we are all there for them.  My job there is to have fun with them, be there for them with questions etc.  Then there are my relationships.  B, bridget and jessie.  I don’t know all the things I can do there.  I don’t know all the ways I can support each one.  Right now I don’t think B wants much from me.  I’m trying to let him know when I would like him to be there, I’d prefer he not need to be some place else while I’m there, but it is what it is.  I actually think the best way I can help B is to analyze myself.  Same for jessie and bridget actually.  I need to know who I am, I need to come to terms with my spirituality and define my values.  And then create a life that lives by those foundations.  I never really did that in my growing up process.  I took on B’s values.  In a lot of ways B was like a father I didn’t have most of my childhood.  I followed him, he guided, he let me grow.  He finished my parents job.  But some of the details were left out, some of the details were not figured out for myself because I just followed his.  Noones fault, but something I have to now do.

gotta move forward

9 11 2008

Haven’t written for nearly a week.  Been pretty hectic around here.  B came home as well.  I don’t know if I knew fully what to expect.  I did think he would be a little more enthusiastic than he is.  I thought expectations were fairly well laid out.  But it feels exactly like it did before he left.  I think he started to think about himself and be in a better place and that all went out the window as coming home approached.  He wrote about being seen as immature.  I don’t think so, I think he comes across as being hurt and lost.  And that is probably accurate.  Problem is, it doesn’t matter what I do, its going to be wrong.  I reach out, I don’t reach out, I walk on eggshells, I don’t walk on eggshells…everything is perceived as being against him and I don’t even know how to begin to try when it all is taken wrong anyway.  I can’t work with that.  All I can do is go about business as usual and hope he comes around.  He is in a bad place and I can’t fix that for him.  He has to fix himself or get help some place.  I’m worried about his attitude affecting the kids.  As a matter of fact, it is affecting them.  Hey, a temporary funk where you can’t hold your emotions in check makes sense…but to treat everyone around you like they just irritate you or you are upset with them is so hard for the kids to deal with.  They don’t understand, they think they did something wrong.  They don’t deserve to get treated that way and its so hard for me to watch it happen.  I tried to tell him he needs to watch himself, he needs to be happy around the kids and show them a good time and that he cares.  He tried for their party, I think he did a good job.

So I think the best thing for me to do is just take care of everyone like I usually do, keep coordinating with bridget like I have been for the last month and a half anyhow and just be pleasant with B while he gets through this.  I can’t do much more than that.  He won’t accept anything from me, and its too emotionally stressful for me to keep trying when he obviously just needs to get his head together.  There is nothing positive and no moving forward if he can’t do that and I just can’t do this anymore until he is in a better place.
I’ve said all I can say, I’ve told him where I stand and that the door is open.  I’m moving forward now.

spiritual like experience

4 11 2008

I had an interesting experience last night.  My son has been participating in a danza group.  It is Aztec dance, it has religious tones to it as well.  I expose him to this because his biological father is Hispanic, last name Diaz is from a conquistador background which has Aztec heritage in there as well.  I don’t know much about this side of his blood and I wanted to offer him a look…and do it in a way that might hold his attention.  The dance is alot of fun and has a lot of great energy to it.  I didn’t realize sitting as a spectator that I could be affected by the energy the circle is creating each night, but I am.  I find I look forward to the feeling.  The openness shared among this group.  I feel like they can teach me something.  Family that is not in the circle can participate and are encouraged to participate in the opening and closing ritual.  Which is honoring each cardinal direction, as well as the sky, earth, and the alter they dance around.  So I’ve done this each time, and at the end you share a drink with the brothers and sisters of the group and are smudged.  During that time, people in the circle go around and either pray for something, share hopes and dreams and wishes for others.  Some people thank god, the creator or whatever they believe in.  It is very individualized, but it all falls under the belief there is something in the universe greater than us that gives us the strength or power to make things happen.  I can identify with that.  I think its a little beyond my sons comprehension right now, and thats ok…none of the other kids get it either lol…but at least they were raised with this thinking from the beginning.  I’ve never really communicated this kind of thing with the kids before.  Though a lot has come out with the addition of bridget’s Christianity.

Anyway – I noticed last night there was a lot of great energy rolling around the room.  So many people were smiling and happy last night.  It was very upbeat and I realized I needed to focus on that happiness.  I’ve been a wreck knowing B was coming home last night.  Just so much is unknown.  And I knew he would be there when I got home and I’ve tried so hard to just keep a smile on my face yesterday and know there are many things to be happy about.  So I tried to swallow up that happy energy last night.  I realized you can’t actually do that, you have to absorb it and feel it and give back, you can’t just bottle it all up and run away.  So I let myself feel what was going on around me as everyone danced.  It was a really large group last night and they picked a few interesting danza’s.  Then the closing happened.  I knew what I wanted to say to the group.  I wanted to remind everyone to stop and be happy.  To enjoy others around them.  There is so much going on in the world, not just in my little life…everyone needs to take time to smile.  I knew I wanted to send good wishes for the end of B’s ride home and that he arrive safely as well.  So I started with the easy part actually…hoping my children have a wonderful birthday this weekend, B arrives home safely, and then I started to talk about happiness and I choked up.  I think it was pretty obvious to everyone..I paused for a bit.  Actually, I started to choke up when I said I wanted to send good wishes to my husband coming home and then could barely even say the rest and all that came out was…I want everyone to remember to be happy with everything going on right now.  And I cried silently and everyone moved on.  I thought maybe noone noticed then lol.  But I found it really hard to speak at all after that.  I just wanted to run out of there with my son and go home.  But that wasn’t happening.  I started to walk away and my friend grabbed me and hugged me, so of course the flood started.  Then I held tight to my son and started to leave..but this teenage girl came up to me and took my hands and looked in my eyes and told me its ok to cry, to let go and she told me I’m beautiful and to let it out.  Oh my god.  Who wouldn’t cry at that.  Something was really powerful last night.  I don’t fully understand it.  I thanked her and nodded and cried and thanked her again.  My friend hugged me again and said he loved me.  I really appreciated having such kind people around me last night.  My son was utterly confused and I tried to play it off as just being emotional and he wasn’t buying it lol.  Usually that works pretty well..ohh mom is crying again..its just a woman thing..lets leave her alone.  But he didn’t agree to that last night and I hugged him and said I’m ok, it wasn’t necessarily a sad cry, just needed to happen.

I wish I had the words to describe what happened to me.  I don’t fully get it.  Why did I get so emotional.  Here I am thinking about happiness and trying to absorb that and feel that and I start crying.  And this little 17 year old that looks more like 13 is so wise and open.  Thats what really got me.  So much openness.  I am not a very open person.  And feeling all of that makes me want to run the other way, but I feel like I’m suppose to stay.  I’m suppose to be around this right now.  Thats what touched me the most I think.  That I wasn’t going to be weak and give in and run away.  But damn, I’m not even dancing!  I”m just sitting there, wtf?  Very very weird last night.  And I want to go back, again and again.  Wow, is spirituality actually getting to me?  Sometimes I think “I’ve had enough growing, thank you…”.  But I know I haven’t, I’ve only just begun..and noone stops.

my poly

2 11 2008

I’ve wanted to write about living a polyamorous lifestyle for awhile now.  How did I get here?  It really isn’t that exciting.  My parents divorced when I was 2.  Since then my mother was married 3 other times, my father only once.  My mother always seemed to “need” a husband.  She didn’t know how to be on her own and didn’t want to.  She still is married to her 4th husband of 18 years now.  He is an alcoholic older man with a form of alcoholic induced dementia and she still stays with him.  Anyway – my mom is not an example of how a marriage should work.  So I look to my father.  He married his second wife when I was 6.  They are still together, that is fabulous.  As long as you set aside the fact that he actively cheated on her for a good part of their marriage.  Then there is me.  Had one boyfriend all through high school and although I had much more than my share of sexual experiences before the age of 14, I saved sex until I was “in love”.  My 14 year old self fell in love and decided it was time…I was in 9th grade.  Kept the same boyfriend through my whole high school career.  Married the guy one week after graduation.

Why did I get married?  Did I believe in the one and only?  Did I believe in “forever”? No.  I married out of convenience.  I wasn’t ready to end the relationship, the military doesn’t pay for someone that isn’t a spouse so there you have it, we got married.  He got married for the two reasons above, however.  That didn’t last, 6 months later I was ending the relationship.

During the end to that relationship, I met B.  I was 18 years old.  I had never experienced a man other than my husband.  I knew I wanted to.  I also knew there was something inside me that stirred when I thought of women and I wanted to know what that was about.  I tried to get my husband to open up to possibilities.  I’m sure I didn’t have the tools to be successful at this task, but he was also a close-minded country boy already so set in his ways at a young age.  It wasn’t going to work.  That isn’t why it ended…but its why it would have ended anyway.

I needed to explore!  That is how poly started for me.  B planted the seed in my head in our conversations about another way of living.  And it really struck me as the way to be.  I already saw how marriages operate…you either go through monogamous relationships one after the other..because you know they are not going to last forever, or you just stick with the one and lie to your partner to get what you want.  Why can’t you have whoever you want whenever your paths cross instead?  Why lie about it?  Can’t we all accept we are very sexual creatures capable of a lot of love?  That was the thinking that got me to where I was, along with wanting to explore and knowing this was a way to accomplish that without hurting people…and have a steady, solid, loving relationship at the same time.  It was great!  I was free to see different people after B and I moved in together, he saw people.  He would come home and share his adventures with me and I was happy for him.   I couldn’t really share my stories with him though, he wasn’t very receptive to knowing what I did with others sexually.  But thats ok, he didn’t hold me back either.

B had a vision of life with at least 2 slaves and him leading a household, he always wanted to be self sufficient and enjoy life.  I followed that dream with him.  I struggled through many different girls he dated.  I dated too, but always away from our home.  Nearly every girl B dated was in our home on some level.  Not necessarily involved with the kids and family life, but they were in my home and their presence was made.  B was sheltered from that for the most part.  Thats not the point of my post though.  I grew alot through all these people in our lives.  Each person brought a new set of situations to get through.  I learned a lot about myself.  I conformed, I changed, I resisted too.

Bridget moved in with us 2 years ago, but she’s been involved for 5 years now.  That is still amazing to me that its been so long already.  I held back a lot of her involvement for a long time.  I reserved certain things for our “family” and other things I thought were ok for her to be involved in.  Part of it is my resistance to let go of control, part of it was a protective block I put around my family and part if it was simply not knowing if she would fit long term and not wanting to open that door and have her just leave.

She moved in after our little one was born.  I was happy I could go back to work and leave him with someone I trusted so much.  It was convenient to have her live with us, it started that way for me.  I wasn’t ready for her to live here.  I could accept it and work with it but I still wasn’t sure it was the right thing.  But after 3 years…it is either going to work or its not so it was worth doing it to figure it out.  I found I have become dependent on bridget.  We started behaving like a regular married couple for awhile there.  It was certainly interesting.  I have a wife!  Who would have thought.  But we are not intimate, so its just an odd relationship in my opinion.

That being the current situation, the only thing that has allowed me to be ok with it, is how much I love her.  She is a sister to me mostly and I have enjoyed our relationship immensley.  But the poly household concept hasn’t been working for me as much.  There are a few reasons I have been able to figure out.  One is there are now so many people to constantly worry about and I think I have a capacity issue with that set up.  Another is I feel like I gave up parts of my relationship with B because he gave it to her.  I never viewed it as a negative thing, but I realize as I look back, that is one thing I would change for sure.  I didn’t feel like I fully had B in our relationship.  Its not “because” of bridget, it has actually happened all along the way in our poly world but more so with her because its the longest, most integrated relationship he has had outside of me.  When I look back, those are definitely two areas I would not want to repeat.  I want to know I fully have my partner.  I want a simple life and I’m not sure that can ever be accomlished in a poly household.  I’m not shutting that off, but its a realization I have come to.

But I’m not monogamous!  Of course not, because that would be too easy.  I know I don’t want one person forever.  And I’m open to other ways of being.  Its more about sharing space and my home and complete integration into my life that I am not sure is for me.  Being open, loving, and sexual with others is not outside of my reality.  I’m sure there are many ways this might play out.  I’d like that to include B and bridget in my life in some way, some connection to them.  I can’t imagine not having that.  I know bridget is completely open to that, I hope B could be happy that way as well.  I know he obviously needs more in his life but I hope I can be a piece of it at least.